Most film metformin weight loss children historians will concur that the second greatest movie of all time is Peter Jackson’s King Kong, which itself is a remake of the greatest movie of all time, Merian C. Cooper’s King Kong. Those who were around back in 2005 probably remember Jackson’s Kong as the cinematic juggernaut that won Best Picture and absolutely blitzed The Chronicles of Narnia at the box office. The only way to capture some of that glory again is to remake the eighth greatest movie of all time (3-7 have already been remade), Dino De Laurentiiss’s King Kong.
The only metformin 500 mg for weight loss mistake Jackson made was not bringing back Robert Armstrong to reprise his role as Carl Denham. That mistake will not be made with this film, as Jeff Bridges will again be starring. Remember that gnarly hippie beard Jeff sported that made him so noble and rugged? Well this time that plot device will not go underutilized. Jeff and his beard’s giant screen presence now can take center stage. That’s right, Bridges WOULD BE THE APE. But we can’t have our new Kong looking all Crazy Heart on us, so Jeff would have to be digitally de-aged as was done to perfection with Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen in X-Men: The Last Stand.
Hollywood is trending more towards youth these days, so casting our two leads must adhere to this principle. Our young blonde starlet, Dwan, needs to be someone who can fill the massive void left by the incomparable Jessica Lange. A daunting task like replacing one of the world’s most famous and revered actresses is not something to be taken lightly, and when all the variables were considered, there was only one suitable choice. That of course, is Ke$ha, and the role of Jack Prescott could go to Clint Eastwood.
Now I understand that there may be some backlash from pretentious movie snobs and people who have seen Space Cowboys, but once you ignore all of the reasons against casting them, the reasons in favor of them become clearer. Plus, singers unproven as actors have a history of delivering the goods when thrust into a starring role in their first motion picture. Kesha’s involvement could also produce an appropriate pop-song to coincide with the film:
Wake up in the morning feeling like J. Lange
Got my sea legs, I’m on the boat, I’m gonna do my thang
Before we land on the island I will hook up with Jack
Cause when I leave for the night, Kong ain’t bringin’ me back
I’m talkin’ monkey breath on my face, face
Fighting off all the snakes, snakes
Boys hunting jungle apes, apes
Wall-hopping beating his hairy ape chest
Pulling up on my pan-ties
Starting to get a little bit freaky…
Don’t stop! Dumping gas, damn it blow the monkey up
Tonight, I’mma fight ‘til we see the sunlight
Crash Crush, through the cage, but the ape has broken out, no
Woah- oh oh
Oh
Woah- oh oh
Oh……
The premise for the crew’s voyage is still the same and the Petrox Explorer sets off on a long trip to Pattinson Island in search of a precious natural resource, let’s say… unobtainium. Why Pattinson Island you ask? PROFIT MARGIN. That’s why. The island in our remake would actually resemble Skull Island from the 1933 Kong and have a mountain that through erosion and tectonic shift has formed into a rough visage of Robert Pattinson, ensuring that the box office will at least equal that of all the Twilights. Jack Prescott would be a stowaway on board to prevent the greedy Petrox Corporation from mining unobtainium and taking it away from the island natives, who use it to placate their giant ape-god.
In fact, these natives wouldn’t call him Kong at all. Our revitalized vision will require something fresh, like Eywa. The natives of Pattinson Island will be tall, blue-skinned people with tails. The reason for this is to show that they have evolved independently from the rest of the world in complete isolation on their island (an idea Peter Jackson used first). The scene where the natives ride on their banshees to kidnap Dwan from the boat at night would play out similarly, except this time they plan to make her perform for them in their village. To facilitate the obligatory sacrifice, Dwan’s musical talents would have to not mesh well with their tribal style, thereby creating the demand to stick her on the other side of the wall. Then Eywa would come in knocking over trees and carry her off. Prescott and Co.’s trek through the jungle should play out more or less by-the-numbers for a Kong movie. Why mess with success, right? Well once Eywa shakes the rest of the men off the log, Jack would follow him up to his lair on the floating Pattinson Mountain and rescue Dwan.
For those who don’t know, there is a large Freudian subtext present in all Kong movies. There are a great many theories out there about how everything is a metaphor for Jack’s desire to have Ann/Dwan all to himself and sex her up. He must go to the ends of the earth to rescue her from the clutches of an untamed, sexually aggressive, large black man who must be brought to civilization in chains to serve the purposes of his white owners. Eventually Jack, the black ape, and Ann/Dwan end up on the tip of the world’s greatest phallic symbol. This suggests that both Jack and Kong/Eywa are infertile and need a substitute, which also explains why there are no other apes on the island. Jack of course wins the day, asserting his dominance over his larger, darker adversary. Well, these theories are 100% correct. Where the previous films went wrong was not emphasizing them enough. This film will be the ultimate realization of the idea. It would tell the symbolic tale of the repressed sexual desire of the black man (portrayed here by a white man).
When it comes to the thrilling climax, there will be some minor revisions. The original World Trade Center is unavailable for filming and the new one still has not been built yet. The Empire State Building has been overused to the point of cliché, so the logical choice is to use the Chrysler Building. Audiences will be stunned when they see the mighty ape attempt to scale New York’s third tallest skyscraper. Seeking to always give people something unexpected, this time Eywa will not reach the top. Instead, while being bombarded by AMRAAM missiles from a squadron of F-22 Raptors, our giant Jeff will slip on the Chrysler’s steeply sloped spire and fall off the building with Kesha in tow. Then Clint can swoop in with his F-22 and snag her on the aircraft’s nose (James Cameron proved this was possible in True Lies). The ape will also not die from the fall. Instead his body will break through the pavement and land in a subway tunnel. Then a passing train will shear off his head, sending it rolling through a station past a group of shocked onlookers, one of whom will utter, “It wasn’t the airplanes, ‘twas curiosity killed the cat.”
