The machines metformin hcl 850 mg rose from the ashes of
Hollywood fire. Their war metformin side effects pcos to make
mankind watch movies in 3D has raged
for decades, but the final battle would
not be fought after Avatar, it would be
fought here, in the nineties…
Tonight…
LOS ANGELES 1990 1: 52 AM
Bright bolts of blue electricity zap through the air in a construction site at the Griffith Observatory. A tractor operator (who is black) starts swearing as his tractor dies. An energy sphere appears and vanishes. It leaves behind a naked figure from the distant future of the year 2010. Sent back in time by James Cameron, it is the ultimate Hollywood infiltrator – a T-800 terminator that looks and talks exactly like Nicolas Cage.
The terminator walks up to a street gang led by Bill Paxton with blue, spiked hair, using a telescope to search the city below for his career because he has yet to make Twister. T-Cage rips out Bill’s heart. The history of cinema has been altered.
"I need your clothes, your boots, and your fucking motorcycle!"
Meanwhile in Malibu, another lone time traveler appears from the future. He is Jeremy Renner, the actor. Nude and on the run, Renner tries to hop over a wall into a backyard, but he can’t because he is short. So instead he walks around the side of the house and unlatches the gate. Renner finds himself on the patio of a typical SoCal mansion where the rich owners have all passed out around the pool after a night of heavy drinking. Renner steals the homeowner’s suit, then steals his Mercedes coupe and drives it to an old department store in downtown L.A. to find a pair of retro Nikes.
Terminator films owe their success to their unique ability to tackle society’s greatest issues at large. When the first film came out, it was iguanas and the effect that frizzy hairstyles had on the contemporary nightlife scene. In T2 it was the emergence of African Americans in the field of computers and advanced robotics. When it was time for Rise of the Machines, concerns over the recreational use of veterinary products by humans were at the forefront, and in Terminator Salvation: The Future is Bale, it was actually about Sam Worthington. There is no more polarizing topic today than the unavoidable cinematic plague that is post-converted 3D movies. The only way to address this problem before it becomes an epidemic is to bring Terminator back to its roots by way of a 2D remake. And this time, just maybe, society will listen.
LOS ANGELES 1990 12: 27 AM
T-Cage walks into a gun store owned by one time Miami Vice and Playboy video director Michael Bay. The terminator buys a .45 long slide with laser sighting, a 12-gauge auto-loader, an Uzi nine millimeter, and the gun Robocop used. Bay tells him that he is a huge fan and that he would be perfect for a future movie he’s written about Alcatraz that will co-star Sean Connery. T-Cage tells him, “Wrong,” and shoots him in the balls. Years later Bay goes on to become famous as a director of chick-flicks.
Later that afternoon, Jeremy Renner is back in Malibu scoping out the surroundings at James Cameron’s mansion. He breaks in and moves stealthily around the premises looking for the man he was sent across time to protect, Cameron himself. Entering the master bedroom expecting to find Cameron or his then-wife, Katherine Bigelow, Renner is beyond shocked to see Michael Biehn curled up in the sheets of Cameron’s bed.
Renner: “James Cameron – Where did he go?”
Biehn (panicked): “I don’t know. He left this morning while I was still asleep.”
Renner: “Katherine Bigelow – Where is she?”
Biehn: “Uh, I’m not sure. She really doesn’t spend much time around here. This is more mine and James’ place.”
Renner (aiming his shotgun): “I need some fucking answers!”
Biehn (screams): “I don’t know, honestly! She’s only his wife in public, she only wants him for the money!”
They hear the sound of glass breaking and Renner jumps in the closet and hides. T-Cage breaks down the door into the room. He digitally maps Biehn’s face and scans it through his facial recognition database.
T-Cage: “James Cameron?”
Biehn: “Yes? – I mean no! Oh please God, no! No!”
T-Cage puts a bullet through Biehn’s head and shoots him four more times on the ground.
Cameron: "Here's what I don't get. How can time travel and terminators become possible in only 20 years in real life?" Renner: "Well, you see Jim, in 2008 a man named Barack Obama was elected president and everything changed."
The remake of The Terminator must draw heavily from 1990s celebrity drama to become culturally relevant in a way the original never could. This new vision will combine the heated 3D debate with retro-reality-based interpersonal relationships that are “selectively and artistically fabricated” to make what can only be described as the greatest action film ever made, ever. The premise is that after the success of Avatar and the way James Cameron revolutionized the art of 3D, so many movies were being hastily post-converted that it ruined the motion picture industry totally and completely. This new future would not be consumed by literal fire, but rather the kind of internet tabloid-fueled, metaphorical fire created when the likes of Taylor Swift and Kanye West take the stage at the VMAs. James Cameron became self-aware at 6:18PM on August 29th. With Hollywood in shambles and movies like I’m Still Here, The Dilemma, and The Virginity Hit all coming out in 3D, he finally understood the monster he had created. Now it is up to him to right the ship and to do that he must destroy his greatest creation – himself. Cameron sends the terminator back in time to kill himself twenty years earlier, before he can make Terminator 2 and spfx technology takes a quantum leap forward. Katherine Bigelow responds by sending back Jeremy Renner as a lone warrior, a protector for James, because The Hurt Locker really should have been made in 3D.
LOS ANGELES 1990 10: 59 PM
The elusive James Cameron is kicking back and partying it up at his private VIP table in the back of one of Hollywood’s most exclusive night clubs. The terminator walks right in without waiting in line or paying because he is Nicolas Cage. He has pinpointed Cameron’s location from a list of industry contacts he lifted from Michael Bay. T-Cage makes his way to the back of the club and shines his gun’s laser designator on Cameron’s forehead. Jeremy Renner has been patiently stalking the terminator and shoots him down with his shotgun before T-Cage can pull the trigger. Renner rushes over to a confused Cameron.
Renner: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Cameron just sits there, blissfully unaware.
Renner: “Come with me if you want to make a ton more money and be a dick to everyone you want.”
Cameron jumps up and follows him out of the club and into Renner’s stolen Mercedes waiting outside. T-Cage takes after them on foot but is slowed by a mob of paparazzi and autograph seekers. He kills all of them.
Cameron: “Who sent it?”
Renner: “You did. Twenty years from now you reprogrammed it to terminate you here, in this time.”
Cameron: “Um ok. So if I sent it, how come it didn’t find me sooner?”
Renner: “You changed after making Titanic and Avatar–”
Cameron: “Wait, what?”
Renner: “Never mind. Success changed you. You forgot who you used to be. You knew almost nothing about your old self, just the city and the name.”
Cameron: “I’m a genius.”
Renner uses the car ride as an opportunity to tell Cameron the history of things to come. Cameron is not disturbed at all by this. He is just amazed at how great a visionary he must be for the events depicted in a movie he made years earlier to be playing out in reality right now. Renner quickly tires of Cameron’s gloating and almost wants to kill him himself, but the terminator beats him to it. T-Cage catches up behind them on a motorcycle and a shootout between he and Renner ensues. T-cage quickly shoots and kills Renner because he is a machine with far more precise targeting capabilities. The Mercedes hits a curb and flips over, instantly erupting into flames. A burned and bruised Cameron crawls out of the wreckage to find himself at the terminators feet. He looks up at the machine in despair as T-Cage tells him, “Fuck you asshole.” The terminator blows off Cameron’s head, becoming the first bad terminator to successfully complete his mission. The moral of the story? James Cameron always wins, even when he dies.
